Laundrie’s notebook reveals rambling apologies, regrets
SARASOTA, Fla. (WWSB) - The notebook containing the handwritten dying declaration of Brain Laundrie is a painful look into the mind of the 23-year-old; who confesses killing his fiancée after she is injured in the Wyoming wilderness.
The rambling, eight-page narrative is part confession, part love letter, and in the end, a suicide note.
“I ended her life, I thought it was merciful, that it is what she wanted,” he writes.
Brian Laundrie disappeared Sept. 17, 2021. His remains were eventually found in Myakkahatchee Creek Environmental Park near his North Port home, and the cause of death was ruled as a self-inflicted gunshot wound.
The notebook was found inside a waterproof bag. The following is the unedited transcript:
I wish I was right at your side, I wish I could be talking to you right now, I’d be going through every memory we made, getting even more excited for the future. But we’ve lost our future. I can’t live without you. I’ve lost every day we could’ve spent together, every holiday.
I’ll never go hiking with TJ. I loved you more than anything.
I can’t bear to look at our photos, to recall great times because it is why I can’t go on. When I close my eyes I will think of laying on the roof of the van, falling asleep to the sight of a meteor shower at the crystal geyser, I will always love you.
If you were reading Gabs’ journal, looking at photos from our life together, flipping through old cards, you wouldn’t want to live a day without her knowing that every day you’ll wake up without her you wouldn’t want to wake up.
I’m sorry to everyone this will affect, Gabby was the love of my life. But I know adored by many.
I’m so very sorry to her family because I love them. I’d consider her younger siblings my best of friends.
I’m sorry to my family, this is a shock to them as well as a terrible grief.
They loved (her) as much, if not more than me. A new daughter to my mother, an aunt to my nephews. Please do not make this harder for them.
This occurred as an unexpected tragedy. Rushing back to our car, trying to cross the streams of spread creek before it got too dark to see, to cold. I hear a splash and a scream, I could barely see, I couldn’t find her for a moment, shouted her name.
I found her breathing heavily, gasping my name, she was freezing cold. We had just come from the blazing hot national parks in Utah. The temperature had dropped to freezing and she was soaking wet. I carried her as far as I could down the stream towards the car, stumbling exhausted, in shock when my knees buckled and knew I couldn’t safely carry her. I started a fire and spooned her as close to the heat, she was so thin, had already been freezing too long.
I couldn’t at the time realize that I should’ve started a fire first, but I wanted her out of the cold back to the car. From where I started the fire I had no idea how far the car might be only knew it was across the creek. I pulled Gabby out of the water and couldn’t tell me what hurt. She had a small bump on her forehead that eventually got larger. Her feet hurt, her wrist hurt but she was freezing, shaking violently. While carrying her, she continually made sounds of pain. Laying next to her she said little, lapsing between violent shakes, gasping in pain, begging for an end to her pain.
She would fall asleep and I would shake her awake, fearing she shouldn’t close her eyes if she had a concussion.
She would wake in pain, start her whole painful cycle again while furious that I was the one waking her.
She wouldn’t let me cross the creek, thought like me that the fire would go out in her sleep and she’d freeze. I don’t know the extent of Gabby’s injuries, only that she was in extreme pain.
I ended her life, I thought it was merciful, that it is what she wanted, but I see now all the mistakes I made. I panicked. I was in shock. But from the moment I decided, took away her pain, I know I couldn’t go on without her.
I rushed home to spend my time I had left with my family. I wanted to drive north and let James or T.J. kill me but I wouldn’t want them to spend time in jail over my mistake, even though I’m sure they would have liked to.
I am ending my life not because of a fear of punishment, but rather because I can’t stand to live another day without her. I’ve lost our whole future together, every moment we could have cherished. I’m sorry for everyone’s loss. Please do not make life harder for my family, they lost a son and a daughter, The most wonderful girl in the world. Gabby I’m sorry.
I have killed myself by this creek in the hopes than animals may tear me apart. That it may make some of her family happy.
Please pick up all of my things. Gabby hated people who litter.
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